


Dying Is an Honest Man's Job

by suburbanlegend



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon Divergence - Captain America: The First Avenger, Canon Divergence - Post-Avengers (2012), M/M, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, and he probably has ptsd, bucky's kind of immortal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 15:42:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14855555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suburbanlegend/pseuds/suburbanlegend
Summary: The serum they pumped into Bucky didn't seem to do everything it was supposed to, but that doesn't mean it didn't work.





	Dying Is an Honest Man's Job

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "I Feel Fine, I Feel Sick" by Ceres

* * *

 

_1943_

Bucky is captured. He is the only one to survive Zola's experiments.

He overhears someone say, "He just won't  _die_."

Bucky hopes they're wrong.

 

~~~~

 

Steve rescues Bucky. He's taller now. Strong.

He looks at Bucky the same way he always has.

When he gets Bucky off the table he quickly checks him for injuries. From what they can tell, Bucky is fine, apart from a few scrapes and bruises, and the bone-numbing exhaustion. He stumbles out of the factory after Steve, wonders what they've done to him. He remembers more, remembers agony and needles and scalpels and blood. He wonders what happened to all the blood.

 

* * *

 

_1945_

Bucky falls from the train.

He survives.

He wakes up on the edge of the river. The agony is indescribable. His whole body is screaming. His view is compromised by his limited range of motion. He can feel his neck bent at an unnatural angle. He can see the bones sticking out of his mangled, nearly-severed left arm. The only thing he can smell or taste is blood. He can feel it soaking into his clothes, sees it spreading into the snow around him, a deep red halo.

He closes his eyes and waits to die.

It takes hours, maybe even days.

He opens his eyes.

His body is stiff and his muscles ache. His clothes are still soaked through with blood and snow.

He looks to his left.

His arm is whole.

He stands up. This must be death. It must be.

But it's not.

He remembers waking up on Zola's table, practically unscathed. He wonders how much is his own imagination.

 

~~~~

 

Bucky walks. He doesn't know how long it takes. He doesn't even know how he finds the Howling Commandos, but he does.

The boys are all shocked. Gabe looks at him like he's impossible.

"I saw you fall!" he says. "There's no way a person could survive that!"

Bucky has trouble coming up with an explanation, especially with his blood-soaked clothes.

 

~~~~

 

He asks where Steve is. Everyone looks away. The sadness in their eyes forms a vice around Bucky's chest. He asks again.

They tell him Steve saved New York. They tell him Steve saved America. They tell him Steve saved the Allies, won the war, saved the  _world_.

Bucky feels like he did on the banks of the Danube.

 

~~~~

 

The war ends.

The Commandos go home.

Bucky goes back to Brooklyn. He doesn't know what there is for him there anymore.

 

* * *

 

_1946_

Bucky leaves Brooklyn. He doesn't like the way it looks without Steve.

 

~~~~

 

He moves around a lot. It's hard to outrun his memories. It's easy to feel at home enough he imagines Steve still with him.

 

* * *

 

_1949_

He meets a nice girl. He loves her as best he can.

They get married in the summer of 1950, a big church wedding. His mother cries. The Commandos come. They take him out drinking the night before, slap him on the back, congratulate him. They shy away from war stories at first, but liquor loosens tongues. They still shy away from Steve.

Bucky pretends he can't tell how worried they are that he's settling for the sake of settling down.

 

~~~~ 

 

Bucky still doesn't sleep much. When he does, he dreams of red snow and crashing planes. His wife tells him he recites his name, rank, serial number in his sleep. His wife tells him he calls for Steve in his sleep.

He doesn't tell her about Zola. He doesn't tell her about the train.

 

~~~~

 

Bucky makes friends with his wife's friends' husbands. Most of them were in the War. All of them have seen the films of the Howling Commandos laying waste to HYDRA. They are starstruck. They want to know what Captain America was like, if he was as brave and heroic as the movies all said.

Bucky tells them about the time he rescued a 95-pound asthmatic who had picked a fight with 3 men who were each easily twice his size. They exchange disappointed looks with each other. When he's finished, one of them asks if it's true Captain America single-handedly destroyed that HYDRA weapons facility in Austria. They'd heard that he'd done it simply because he didn't believe in leaving a single man behind, that there hadn't been a single Allied casualty.

They are not interested in hearing about Brooklyn. They are not interested in hearing about Steve Rogers.

 

* * *

 

_1953_

Bucky's marriage falls apart. She tells him he is impossible to talk to. Impossible to live with. Impossible to be married to. He tells her he doesn't want kids.

She goes to stay with her mother.

Bucky is glad to be alone.

He pretends he is not relieved when she divorces him.

 

~~~~

 

The Commandos try to get together for drinks every year or so. They all have pictures of their wives and children in their wallets. Each night begins with a toast to the Captain. Bucky pretends he can't feel their eyes on him as they raise their glasses.

 

* * *

 

_1954_

Dum Dum laughs and slings an arm around Bucky's shoulders. "God, Barnes," he says, chucking him under the chin with the hand holding his glass, "how're you managing to stay lookin' so young? The rest of us are all turning into old men, and you still look like you just got sent to Basic."

Morita quips from across the table, "He's gotta stay lookin' young if he ever wants to land a girl!"

 

* * *

 

_1958_

Bucky's mother gets sick. He tends to her as best he can. She tells him that she's proud of the man he is. She tells him he was always too good for that girl. She tells him she is sorry he's had such a hard time of it.

 

~~~~

 

The whole family attends her funeral. He hasn't seen most of them in years. He remembers when his aunts' children were born; they have laugh lines, wrinkles, children of their own now. They are beginning to look older than him.

Bucky is frightened.

 

* * *

 

_1960_

Bucky's neighbors begin noticing there is something strange about him. They don't believe he is old enough to have served in the War.

Bucky moves again.

 

* * *

 

_1963_

It's been years since the Commandos have gotten together. They're all so busy with work. With their children. Dernier's daughter is already well into college. It's the first time they've all been on the same side of the Atlantic in months, the first time they've all had the time to meet in much longer.

Bucky is afraid to go. Bucky goes anyway.

When Bucky enters the bar, the laughter at their table goes quiet. They stare at him as he walks over, Dum Dum and Morita's jaws on the table.

"Hey, boys," he says, anxiety in his voice staining the smile on his lips. "Long time no see."

Falsworth cracks a smile after a moment, and asks, "Your dad put you up to this, son?"

Bucky doesn't say anything.

"Sarge?" Gabe finally asks. "That really you?"

Bucky swallows. Nods. He forces another smile. "Been missin' you boys a lot."

Gabe rises slowly from his seat, pulls Bucky into a tight hug. He claps him firmly on the back. "Missed you too, Sarge."

Bucky wonders, not for the first time, what exactly Gabe saw from the roof of the train.

It's awkward for the first couple of drinks. But then Dum Dum is recounting a memory from the war, some skirmish with a HYDRA unit, all of them smiling with nostalgia. Bucky downs the dregs of his beer and slams the mug down on the table.

"You been exaggerating that story for too damn long, Dugan," he interrupts gruffly, fighting a smirk. "Tellin' it to people who was there, and you know well as I do that accent wasn't foolin' no one. You were a goner if Steve hadn'ta thrown that damn shield'a his and knocked them down like bowlin' pins."

"I told you then and I'll tell you now, the accent was fine," Dum Dum shoots back, pointing an accusing finger. "Steve jumped the damn gun, he's the one that blew our cover."

Bucky shakes his head, laughing. He doesn't see the others at the table blinking at each other, each realizing that he is - somehow - their friend, and not some youthful impostor. Gabe hides a small smile behind another sip of his drink.

 

* * *

 

_1964_

Bucky lies about his birthdate when he renews his driver's license.

It's easier than he'd hoped it'd be to forge a birth certificate.

 

* * *

 

_1978_

Dernier has a heart attack in the spring. He pulls through, but this time when they get together - in Dernier's hometown - it hits Bucky suddenly how much time really has passed. His friends are all turning into old men around him, but he still looks like the same 26-year old he was in 1943.

Bucky fakes his own death that fall.

He tells the Commandos and his baby sister beforehand, because he can't bear to put them through that. They tell him that the funeral was very tasteful; the priest spoke beautifully, everyone cried. They bury an empty coffin.

It's hard, having almost everyone he's ever known think he's dead, but it does make it easier to resist the urge to try to see anyone from his past.

 

* * *

_2012_

Bucky leans back against the island counter in his apartment, takes a sip of his coffee, turns on the news. The television screen lights up with thousands of..  _things_ , descending upon New York City. The anchorwoman is saying something about aliens.

The image cuts to a view of a city street. Stark's son is there, flying around in that metal jumpsuit of his. A huge green man is smashing buildings to rubble with his bare hands. And there, in the dust, is Steve Rogers, throwing punches like it's 1944.

Bucky barely notices the  _crack_ of his coffee mug as it shatters against the floor.

 

~~~~

 

A week after the invasion, Bucky is in the lobby of (what's left of) Stark Tower. A receptionist asks if she can help him, and he doesn't slow down to respond to her, keeps moving toward the elevators. He doesn't know where he's going.

 

~~~~

 

Tony Stark stands up. "Um, who are you?"

"Where is Steve Rogers?" Bucky demands.

"How should I know? I'm not his secretary. And might I repeat: Who are you?"

Bucky stalks forward, on autopilot. "Where. Is. Steve. Rogers?" he growls.

 

~~~~

 

Bucky doesn't remember grabbing Tony by the throat, but suddenly Stark's feet are dangling above the ground and Bucky is shouting, "Tell me where he is!"

The tranquilizer startles him. He's unconscious by the time they both hit the ground.

 

~~~~

 

When Bucky wakes up, he's propped up in a metal chair. His hands are cuffed to the metal table in front of him.

Bucky's breath immediately shortens. He knocks over his chair in his jolt to his feet. He hasn't allowed himself to be restrained since 1943. He twists in the cuffs, tugs so hard his wrists bleed, struggles for air. His serial number flashes through his head, copper on his tongue.

With a last desperate yank, the hook anchoring his wrists to the table gives. He immediately retreats to the corner of the room furthest from the door, hands cradled against his chest as he tries to will his heartbeat back down.

"I'm sorry," he pants to the empty room. His eyes make a slow circuit between the door, the security camera in the corner opposite him, the obvious one-way mirror. "I'm sorry. Please, I just need to know where Steve is."

He stands in the corner long enough for the blood running from his wrists to dry in thin tracks along his forearms. Suddenly the door to the small room opens, and  _there he is._

Steve comes in the room cautiously, looking confused, angry. Bucky recognizes a hint of fear behind his eyes.

"Who are you?" Steve demands.

The sound of his voice nearly knocks Bucky off his feet. His own strangled, "Fuck,  _Steve_ _,_ " sounds nearly ripped out of him.

"Why are you here?" Steve's voice is still so cold. It's nearly drowned out by Bucky's own babbling.

"I thought you were dead, Steve. We all thought you were dead. S'been so fuckin' long, Stevie."

The nickname makes Steve flinch. "Who. Are. You?"

Bucky is moving towards Steve. "It's me, Stevie. It's Bucky."

Steve's already shaking his head by the time Bucky's finished talking. "Bucky's dead."

Bucky remembers the last time he saw Steve. Has been replaying it in his head every day for seven decades.

 

_"I had him on the ropes."_

_"I know you did."_

_BANG!_

_"Bucky! Hang on! Grab my hand!"_

 

"I'm not, Steve. I.. The fall didn't kill me-"

"It's been 70 years," Steve snaps bitterly. He's bristling, fists clenching. "Doesn't matter that he survived the fall. He's dead. They're all dead. And even if Bucky was alive, he wouldn't be twenty-fuckin'-five."

"I know," Bucky says. He's within arms reach now. "I know, but it's me, I'm-"

Steve punches Bucky square in the face.

Bucky hits the wall, falls to the floor. He keeps himself propped up on his still-cuffed hands, spits a wad of blood on the floor. His jaw clicks as he grimaces.

He's been on the ground for barely more than a moment before Steve is hauling him up again, both hands fisted in the front of his shirt. He slams Bucky against the wall, so hard Bucky's head snaps against it with a  _crack,_ and holds him there. The toes of his shoes are barely touching the ground. Bucky doesn't fight. He just hangs there, limp, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth.

Steve leans in 'til their faces are inches apart, and  _fuck,_ Bucky'd forgotten how  _blue_ Steve's eyes are. The door is open now, and agents are in the room. They're telling Steve to let him go, but Steve ignores them. His voice is low, more dangerous than Bucky's ever heard it, when he growls, "Why are you here?"

"For you," Bucky croaks. He smiles. "It's like I told ya, Stevie. I'm with ya 'til the end of the line."

Steve's eyes go wide, and then suddenly he's dropping Bucky as if he's been burned. Bucky barely has time to regain his footing before Steve's hands are on him again, this time pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. Bucky's hands are still cuffed together, wedged uncomfortably between their chests. He leans his cheek against Steve's shoulder and sighs as Steve begins talking, almost to himself.

"Bucky, you're- This is impossible. You can't be here, you can't be alive. This is  _impossible._ "

"I know it's impossible," Bucky says as Steve releases him from the hug. His hands move up to cradle both sides of Bucky's jaw. Bucky reaches up to wrap his fingers around Steve's wrists and hold on as tight as he can. Steve's huge, hopeful eyes stay fixed on him, searching his face for Bucky doesn't know what. "I know it, but I'm here, Steve. I don't know how, but I'm still here."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to my best friend Jude for beta-ing this and also for putting up with me. I love ya bud.


End file.
